the dating war

  • Facebook Black Square
  • Twitter Black Square
  • Instagram Black Square


Videos & Audio
Q & A

Q. Is porn really that bad? I can’t see how it would affect my future relationships.


A. The evidence is now so strong to suggest that pornography is harmful, not only to individuals, but to relationships, families and society at large. It trains us to see people as objects, someone we can ‘get’ something from rather than someone to be in relationship with, to care for and to love. It has now been found to be the leading cause of sexual dysfunction in men, meaning that men who look at pornography regularly are at risk of having difficulty being sexually aroused in everyday relationships. It’s addictive nature is compared to that of heroin and it reduces people to being a collection of body parts. But don’t just take our word for it. There are great websites and books listed below that are filled with information about the harmful effects of pornography. One that we would particularly recommend if you are unsure if this really is an issue or not is (a values neutral website with loads of articles and great info).

Q. Should I tell my partner about my addiction to pornography? I’m worried she will leave me.


A. If you are looking at pornography or have a full-blown addiction, the first and most important step would be to seek help to break free from this. You may need to see a counsellor or at least speak to someone who can keep you accountable and take the journey with you. There are also some great online resources, such as, with courses and tips on how to break free from pornography addiction.


As far as telling your partner, honesty is always the best policy. However, if you have only just started dating, this may be something to work through on your own first and talk to your partner about once you have broken the habits. If, for example, this is your wife, then we would recommend sharing that you have been looking at pornography, but that you realise it is not right and you are seeking some help to stop looking at it. Don’t be surprised if your partner is upset or wants to ask questions, but make sure you guard their heart in the process. There is no point in telling someone every clip you have ever looked at, as this is only likely to make them even more concerned and possibly may make them feel even more devalued or unloved.

Q. Please help me! How can I break the habit of looking at porn forever?


A. Pornography addiction is not an easy addiction to break. However, it is possible!! And the first step in breaking free of this habit is to recognise that it is a problem and seek help – which you are already doing! We would recommend getting as much support as you can. Is there someone that you can trust to speak to about this? A friend, mentor, counsellor? It is great to get some accountability and someone who isn't afraid to ask you the hard questions. After you have found someone to keep you accountable, we recommend getting informed. Read as much as you can about this topic and how you can break free of habits. There are some great websites and books listed below that can provide great information and support.


Bear in mind, that if this is a significant habit or addiction, it is always best to seek professional help. But either way, the path to overcoming an addiction is not always smooth and it can be easy to think it’s just never going to happen, especially if you find yourself looking at porn again after a time of not. However, it’s really important to celebrate the ‘wins’ you are having. If you previously looked at porn a few times a week and you’ve now looked at it after a few weeks of not, that is a ‘win’. Don’t let yourself be convinced that it will never stop. In that situation, you have already made progress and just need to keep going!

Q. As a girl who has a habit of looking at porn, I often feel really alone. It seems like everyone thinks this is just a ‘guy’ issue. What should I do to overcome the habit?


A. You know what, you’re totally right! So often when the topic of pornography is addressed it is referred to as a ‘guy issue’. But statistics show that it is becoming more and more common for women to struggle with pornography habits and addiction also. Unfortunately, the topic is still a little taboo amongst females and often women feel embarrassed to share their struggles because of fear of judgement. Just as we suggested in the question above, we would recommend seeking as much help as possible and not trying to take this journey alone. Find someone you trust and tell them what has been going on for you. Know that you are not alone. Some of the websites below have great resources and links for overcoming habits and addictions related to pornography.


  • Good general website that covers this topic really well (Catholic)

  • Australian based website with some great one minute videos

  • Great info on pornogrpahy and the 'go to' place for accountability software

  • The worlds largest internet security network - can filter content at different levels

  • Good basic info on how using porn affects your brain

  • US movement with lots of interesting stuff on exposing porn for what it is

  • Australian based Catholic ministry for women struggling with pornography

  • Email help for women struggling with pornography



  • The Porn Myth

    • Matt Fradd​

    • Explains the neurological reasons porn is addictive and offers practical advice to individuals, parents and spouses

  • Delivered

    • Matt Fradd

    • A collection of stories of men and women who broke free from sexual addiction and porn use

  • Sex is Not the Problem Lust is (Same book dif title: Not even a hint)

    • Joshua Harris

    • Good, easy to read and particulary good for males who have struggles based on or stemming from lust

  • Breaking Free

    • Russell Willingham

    • Goes into the psychology of addiction and addiction principles well 

  • Every Man’s Battle

    • Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoker

    • Practical, to the point and a detailed outline on the battle for men

  • Wired for Intimacy

    • William Struthers

    • Focuses on the science behind the human brain and how porn hijacks it